Ok, ok, I'm here!! Phew! After being gone for a couple days, I forget what I am supposed to be doing. I am not in the habit of reading and posting yet, and missing so much, it was easy to fall out of the habit that I'm not in yet. LOL! You are too hard on yourself. You are an amazing woman, and I totally look up to you. Here you are, not able to view movies in the theater because they are offensive, and that is awesome! Here I am, being the offensive one. (I haven't sworn too much lately....only when bad things happen....) That is something I must work on. I guess it can be done, I used to watch rated R movies and not blink when blood was spattered across the screen. But we stopped watching rated R years ago, and now the bloody ones that I used to love, are very shocking to me. (although I must admit, I kind of have the urge to watch those horribly scary movies....) So, if I can quit that, I can quit swearing. Don't get me wrong, I don't swear just to swear and in conversation, I just don't have control when I think a raccoon is sitting behind me at girls camp. Not a good place to not have control over my mouth!! So, I'm going to bed now, but I will try to remember to read a scripture or two tomorrow and get back into posting....(I did clean my treadmill today and vacuum off the dust....)

Not so good!

I totally fell off the bandwagon today. I was doing so well, but I had no sleep AND an extra set of kids to watch today. My SIL had her baby, and I helped out with the kids. It shouldn't have pushed me over the edge, but it did.

I realized that I have to work REALLY hard to be humble and charitable. But I can't give up!

No scripture comment tonight--just confessing my sins. Thanks for being there for me!

More love

I just watched "The Errand of Angels" tonight after I got back from the walk and talk. It was all about a difficult mission full of things to learn. I could relate. The thing that really turned things around for the sister in the movie is learning to see others the way Christ would see them.

What a challenge.

But, oh so worth it.

It reminds me of Mosiah 2:17
And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn ^awisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the ^bservice of your ^cfellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

When someone bugs you, serve them. Even when you DO NOT feel like it. And soon you WILL feel like it.

Love

I read your post from yesterday, and I can totally relate. I am going to say some things here today that you won't want to hear, won't believe, and I don't blame you. But I am going to say them anyway because I believe they are true, and I know I need to work on truly believing them too.

You are beautiful and good just the way you are.

You are. I am.

Yes, I see you rolling your eyes. I am too.

But I am SLOOOOWLY learning that I need to love myself and feel safe in my skin before I can truly have peace. And with peace, the chaos lessens. Then I can move forward.

I had such a neat experience today in the temple. I had an answer to prayers that I have been asking for for a long time. I have so many things I want to change about myself that I feel so overwhelmed about choosing where to start that I just don't do anything. So I thought maybe the Lord would help me identify what I could do better.

He told me today. (and actually He told me a long time ago, too. My patriarchal blessing talks about this also.)

He wants me to work on charity. The pure love of Christ. I need to have it in my life. With it, I will do good things for the right reasons and not out of duty. Not that duty isn't a good motivator--it just isn't the best one.

And I think that loving myself is all part of that.

And boy, do I struggle (kicking and screaming) with that! I am sure you can relate.

Shantel, I love you. You are such a good, understanding, kind friend to me. Thank you for that. You ARE worth it. Even if you have to lose 40, 50, or even 100 pounds. That is not who you are. It isn't who I am. I have so far to go to really understand that, but as we come to love ourselves for who we are, we will treat ourselves with care and kindness, and maybe we'll get rid of some of the clutter we are hanging on to.

You deserve love. You deserve to not be judged. ESPECIALLY by yourself. I was reading a book today "Christlike Parenting" by Glenn Latham. He talked about how no one ever changes for the better if they are constantly criticized and badgered. The only way we can change is if we tell ourselves we are okay--and REALLY mean it--and believe that we deserve the blessings that will come with the change.

It really isn't about the food. It is that we are so down on ourselves that we think that the only thing we really deserve is to wallow in pig slop and french fries and never get past that. We think that we should be fat because we are worthless, with no self-control or self-respect.

THAT IS NOT TRUE!!!!

We need to love ourselves through this. I need to love my gut, even when it hangs over my belt everywhere it can. That is going to be hard because it makes me ill. But one things I can say is that I am not starving. THat is a blessing, right?

Let's think positively because that is the only way we'll change. I am not one of those people who says, "They think I'm fat? Well, I'll show them!!!!!" and then lose all the weight I want to and then some. If someone were to say that to me, I would believe them and go sit in a corner and cry and eat chocolate.

We have good bodies. They take us where we need to go. We need to tell ourselves that we are grateful for that. And really mean it. Starting right now.

Shantel, you ARE beautiful. I know you focus on your tummy, but I don't look at you and see that. I see your beautiful face, eyes, teeth. You are so blessed. Remember that you are beautiful, talented, and blessed. That will help us become who we want to be.

I am beautiful, talented, and blessed. I have so much to offer (as do you). I MUST believe this. If people see me and only see the rolls at my waist, then they have missed out on my great sense of humor and my ability to be a good friend. How sad for them. But not sad for me. I will love myself and tell myself I am worth it every single day.

Jesus died for you and me. He wants us to be gentle and loving to everyone, especially ourselves. Oh, my heart is pounding just saying that because it is so hard to continue believing. But we must. We are daughters of God, and we are WORTH IT!!!!

I love you my friend! I hope camping is wonderful with your family.

(now that I've said all this, I am going to kick your butt if you put yourself down in front of me. i expect you to do the same for me.)

I'm really struggling with coming tomorrow. Of course I'll be there, but I would rather sleep in. I don't relay these feelings to my boys, I want them to want to be there, and they do. They are awesome kids. I think a huge part of my problem is that I am fat and getting fatter. I am so uncomfortable right now, my belly is huge, my pants and shirts are tight, and I hate seeing my reflection. I am really struggling with this weight issue, but yet I don't do anything about it, and then I go out to eat. I keep thinking "oh, I'll start tomorrow", but soon, I am going to have to lose 100 pounds instead of 40. I am not getting into a jumpsuit, I hope Amy isn't expecting me to. I am so embarrassed for myself, and I know that people are thinking, "poor Shantel, I wonder if she knows what she looks like?" Yeah, I know. That is why I crack fat jokes about myself. So that people know, that I know, that I am fat. lol I'm sorry this isn't spiritual, but, it was nice to vent. See you in the morning! :)

Ahh, I should have called you to come back to Rosie's and then you would have had a horrible packing day instead. LOL! I went down about 10:30 (I left Maria at Amy's so I didn't have to take her with me) and packed some more at Rosie's, still hadn't finished that bedroom, and then we took a load to storage and then I took Maria to kindergarten. Then I left the truck there because I was determined that I wouldn't stay there more because my house needed some attention. A couple high priests were there to help her, so I came home and just had them call me every time the truck needed to be unloaded at the storage. So I ended up down there and to the shed a couple more times. My back was killing me last night, I was actually in bed by 9:30 with an ice pack on my back. LOL Remind me to tell you "the rest of they story". (Thank you Paul Harvey. lol) I need to find a scripture on how I should be ashamed of myself and I need to serve with love and not judge. I really have to work on judging people. Don't get me wrong, I love people, I really do, and I love Rosie, and after riding in the truck with her for one load, I found out that we have some things in common, like having teenage kids that we love and hate. LOL!! She is a very nice person and I apologize for being so judgmental of her and her home. I have to remember that we are ALL children of God, and He loves ALL of us. I was reading Mosiah 2:41 and King Benjamin states that those that keep the commandments are in a blessed and happy state and they are blessed both spiritual and temporal. I know that Heavenly Father is not happy with me and my attitude, and I want to faithful to the end and received into heaven and have that never ending happiness, and the way I am heading is not going to get me into heaven. lol So that is one thing I REALLY need to work on.

Prophets' words are the words of God

Today was another HORRIBLE mom day. I need to do better. I am so rude and mean to my kids, and then I wonder why they are disrespectful. DUH!!

Mos 2:35 Prophets speak the word of God. Absolutely. I need to read more thoroughly the Ensign articles because I know that they have spoken about verbal abuse and anger. They are always putting articles in there about making your family/marriage stronger. As soon as I am done here I am going to get out my Ensign to read something that might help me to do better.

v. 36 And now, I say unto you, my brethren, that after ye have known and have been taught all these things, if ye should transgress and go ^acontrary to that which has been spoken, that ye do ^bwithdraw yourselves from the Spirit of the Lord, that it may have no place in you to guide you in wisdom’s paths that ye may be blessed, prospered, and preserved—

I think this is the saddest thing about being full of contention--I drive the spirit away and then I have no help to bless me, prosper me, lead me in wisdom's paths (SOOOOO needed).

Ok, I'm not even going to try to read anything, I have wasted so much time online and haven't done a thing, but play with a new blog, and waste time chatting. I should be ashamed! I will do better tomorrow!

A clear conscience

Mosiah 2:27

King B. is saying here at the beginning of this verse that he had served his people faithfully and that he could walk with a clear conscience before God. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean, it is obvious that he had been faithful. It got me thinking about my "kingdom" and how I am serving my "subjects."

I read a book a couple of weeks ago called "The Anatomy of Peace." It spoke about how, if we really think of others as people with feelings and hopes and dreams instead of objects by which to be annoyed and frustrated, then we will treat those people with more kindness, patience and respect. I thought about how I usually think of my kids. My daily hope is that they don't cause me trouble. It isn't that I'm mean (or you either), but I struggle seeing them as anything but work and stress. That is a major problem. A friend of mine once commented that she keeps a binder for each of her kids about all the cute things they do. I thought it was a good idea, but like so many other good ideas, it was quickly abandoned in the daily shuffle. Now that I've read this book I think she was unwittingly (or, knowing her, wisely) making her kids more human and loveable in her own way.

I need to focus on what they are doing well rather than what annoys me. It totally bugs me when I get criticized. I do that ALL DAY with my kids. I need to let the bad roll off and praise the good. I just haven't figured out how to do that. My pride gets up when I think one of my kids are disrespectin' me, and I come out with verbal fists ready. How sad is that! But I can't lose hope (although it is really tempting).

I want to walk before God with a clear conscience of how I treat my family. That means I need to repent--FOR SURE!

I went on in Mosiah 2:32 and read something that totally scared me:

But, O my people. beware lest there shall arise contentions among you, and ye list to obey the evil spirit, which was spoken of by my father Mosiah.

OK--if I am contending (acting out of anger, frustration, hurt pride, etc.), I am obeying the evil spirit (3 guesses as to who that is!).

YIKES!

Then the next section (verse 33) talks about what will happen to those who "listeth to obey that spirit":
if I don't repent, I drink damnation to my soul.

Not something I want to do.

I guess I better get hopping on that repentance stuff!

Have a great day (aka--don't get depressed by my deep thoughts)!

My mom had a friend that just passed away on Saturday from Cancer. Anne Creager was her name. She has 3 little girls. It's hard to understand why someone who has young children that need a mother, someone who is faithful in the gospel, loves her family, is doing the things she is supposed to be doing, has to be the one that dies. So I tried to find something on death and comfort in the scriptures and I found this scripture. D&C 101:36 Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full. I'm not sure exactly what it is saying, but my interpretation is, we have no idea what joy really is in this life. We have joy, but until we really know the Savior, our joy is not full. I don't know, I am lousy at this kind of thing, but I wanted to share that with you, take a look at her blog, but only if you need a good cry.

Am I of worth?

Mosiah 2:24-25

I've always wondered about how I should feel about this whole idea--we are of the dust, less than the dust, but we are also children of God. I should be humble, but I also need to remember my divine nature. The thing that sticks in my mind is gratitude. Gratitude that I have a body, that it works, and that I can move, choose what I do and how I do it. I was created in the image of God. He created me, just like through His power, Jesus created the entire world and everything in it. I may be lower than the dust, but He made that, too. I have a divine purpose--I want to progress to become like God and be part of an eternal family. All things have a purpose and God means to have them all work together for my good. So I can see His hand in every moment of my life, if I watch and listen. I am alive because He loves me and because He believes in me. He has done so much for me in must putting me here. The least I can do is believe in Him and keep His commandments.

I am missing you my friend! I hope everything is ok. I did read a few scriptures just now, but I have nothing to expound upon, I just did it quick because I am so tired. lol I did go to the temple dedication and it was beautiful. Did you guys go? We went to the 3:00 session. We had a few of Tucks kids and one of Brinkerhoff's kids for the morning session and then Tuck's kept Maria for us during the afternoon. I hope you guys had someone to watch your little ones so that you could go. It really was amazing. I didn't want to go at first, but the spirit was almost crushing at times. My kids always make fun of me for crying, but I told them that was because I felt the spirit. It just happens to make me cry, and then I hate crying in front of people, especially my family, so I try to hold it back, and that is actually painful. LOL! I hate the lump in the throat when you are trying not to cry. Anyway, enough about crying. I am going to bed now, no more staying up late. I'm too tired and I have got to clean my room so I can exercise and have energy to clean the rest of the house, and to better be able to read and understand the scriptures. So, g'night my friend and I will be watching for your amazing knowledge!

I'm back!

Yep, I missed a day. I was out last night for my anniversary (today). Forgive me, please! :)

Some thoughts from the dedication today:

Because of Jesus' atonement and all He suffered for me, I can trust Him. I can trust that He is willing to do whatever is necessary to help me return to Him. I need to trust Him when things aren't going the way I'd hoped--trust that He is preparing a way for me AND He is preparing me that I may follow that way He's prepared. I'm working on that. I am an ark-steady-er by nature and I have to put off that natural (wo)man in order to become like a child and trust Him (that is coming up in Mosiah 3:19!)

I loved Elder Bednar's talk about how the world and the temple are diametrically opposed. The world's influences try to destroy the family while the temple's main purpose is to ensure the family's eternal nature. The world is hectic and hurried--the temple helps us to be still and know that God is aware of us. The world tries to confuse us as to who we really are while one of the first things we come to understand in the temple is our divine heritage.

I love that. I need to go to the temple more often!

Thoughts from Mosiah 2:18-19

It has always amazed me how humble great people are. Here King Benjamin is talking about how, if his people are grateful to him, how much MORE grateful they should be to their Heavenly King. He isn't in it for his own glory--he wants people to catch his vision of gratitude and devotion to God.

Mosiah 2:20

I love being reminded that God's hand is in my life WAY more than I realize or recognize. He helped get my kids to bed at a decent hour tonight--HUGE tender mercy. In so many ways He blesses my life each day. I need to recognize it and be quick to praise and express my gratitude. There's my goal for this week--GRATITUDE!

have a great night, my friend!

So, if we keep God's commandments, he will bless us and we will prosper. I see that in our life, we aren't perfect at keeping all the commandments, but we work at it. Well, I guess the commandments aren't that hard to keep, I don't go around planning on killing anyone, and I don't have a problem with lusting after hot guys. LOL! Sometimes I do get a little jealous, but I really don't covet other people's lifestyle or things. So, maybe the commandments aren't that difficult for me to keep, they may be for others, but sometimes the small things are harder to do, like the Word of Wisdom. I certainly don't smoke, drink, do drugs, or any of the obvious stuff, but I do have a problem with over indulgence with food that isn't healthy and I don't exercise or take care of my body. That is part of the WOW. So for me, the big things are easy, the smaller things are more difficult. (Drinking caffeine is one of those harder things for me.) Anywho, I was going somewhere with this but lost my mind in the middle. haha So, I can see in my life, that keeping the commandments, like paying tithing, really blesses us. Sometimes the blessings come in subtle ways, but I can see them.

Where are you watermelanie???

I guess you can miss one since I did. lol Maybe you are doing "the dance"....hehehe

Ok, I'm not so great with words or understanding, but in verse 18, he says that you have called me your king, and I have served you, so don't you think that you should be serving each other? If a mighty king (I know he doesn't think of himself as mighty), but if a mighty king can serve his people with love, then it shouldn't be below the people to serve one another. So, if our king, Jesus Christ, loves us and he has served us, then we should willingly serve each other. Serve our family memebers, serve in our callings, serve our neighbors, friends.......etc.

You can do it!

OK- I know you didn't post yesterday, but DON'T GIVE UP! Don't be like me and think, "Well, I have already messed up my perfect record, so it doesn't matter anymore." Don't do it! I believe in you--you CAN post today, and tomorrow! You can do it! Just get online, look up the scriptures, read a few verses, and post some thought--ANY THOUGHT WILL DO!

Do you feel motivated? Am I your favorite cheerleader? (aside from Amy, of course!) :)

GO-DO IT RIGHT THIS SECOND. Everything else can wait five minutes (unless you are doing "the dance").

love you, my friend!

They did prosper in the land

I've always been fascinated by the whole idea that if we keep the commandments we shall prosper in the land. What does that really mean? There are a lot of faithful yet poor people (like us, right? :) in the world. I got a little insight into what it might mean in Mosiah 1:17:

Therefore, as they were ^aunfaithful they did not prosper nor progress in their journey, but were ^bdriven back, and incurred the displeasure of God upon them; and therefore they were smitten with famine and sore ^cafflictions, to stir them up in ^dremembrance of their duty.

So maybe prospering isn't necessarily temporal, but rather how we are progressing in our journey. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about being obedient so I won't have to stress about paying the bills, but rather I should be obedient so I can progress. I know that is probably obvious, but it just kind of hit me as I read that verse.

I also liked how they emphasize the family as they gathered together to hear King Benjamin's speech. Mosiah 2:5

And it came to pass that when they came up to the temple, they pitched their tents round about, every man according to his ^afamily, consisting of his wife, and his sons, and his daughters, and their sons, and their daughters, from the eldest down to the youngest, every family being separate one from another.

It just reminds me how the family is the eternal unit--not the ward or the church or the Relief Society. All of that is in place so that the family can be blessed and strengthened. That is so easily forgotten when we are all so busy in the ward, serving. We must remember that all the work is for naught if we don't also strengthen our families at the same time. I know, i know. Easier said than done, right? I also think so. But it doesn't make it any less important.

Deep thoughts, by Melanie Johnson. Thanks for listening!

I like how he says that he (King Benjamin) isn't doing this to be mocked (trifle with the words that he speaks), and he doesn't want to be feared, that he is only a mortal man. In verse 11, it struck me that he says that he was chosen by this people and consecrated by his father. Does he mean his earthly father or his father in heaven?

I'm listening, I'm reading

A cool thought from the same book I was reading yesterday:

Those to whom God speaks most often are those who are most attentive to that which He has already spoken.

So right. This is the motivation for this challenge. If He knows we care about what He has said, He'll speak to us more. I want that. I want to be guided. To step out in faith and know that I'm going where He wants me to.

But sometimes I think that I want so much to be guided that I wait for Him to do the work. I know in my heart that I have to do the lion's share of the work, but I am lazy. But every day that I read, I am changing that. I am not going back to not reading every day. I don't want to. But I need help. His help. Your help.

One more thing--Mosiah 1:7 I love this. Benjamin is reminding his sons to search the scriptures so that they will profit. Am I doing this? Do I find strength in the scriptures and my children know it? Unfortunately, not so much. But I WILL get better at this. And so will you!

Righteousness and Ignorance are incompatible

So as I read the first two verses (how is that? You beat me with your 8 verses!), I read that Benjamin made sure his sons could read the language of his fathers so that the could understand the scriptures and know of the prophecies for themselves. Lehi also did this. I was reading in Doctrinal Commentary on the Book of Mormon that God wants us to be a literate people. That we can read the scriptures and teachings of God for ourselves and feast on them. Not like the Catholics (and others) who were forbidden to read them for themselves. I love that. I am not the best at it, but I am now trying to become more spiritually literate. I have to make myself read right now (and because I need to blog to you), but I believe that if I keep at it, I will grow to love it. That may take weeks, months, years, but I want to get there. I want to really enjoy the scriptures. I want to know Jesus better because of reading about Him in the scriptures. I know that when hard times really come, I will be better off because I love the scriptures. You will, too. I know we can love them as we read them. ANd we are already on our way, my friend!

Ok, so I am a slacker, but I only read the first 8 verses. I am so ready for bed, and I am actually going to go now. hehehe It is amazing to me how many people there must have been, that he had to have a tower built to speak and have his words written down and then have his words read to the people farther back. It seems they were a good people, bringing the firstlings of their flocks, being together as families to hear the words of their king. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been so righteous in these harder times as were these people. I look at Sunday, with the temple dedication, I am going, not because I have the desire to, but because I have to be an example to my kids, and Glen is making me. LOL!! How sad is that, that I don't have the desire to be there? It's only because of laziness. Shame on me! lol

Wandering thoughts

Ok-so I started Mosiah 1 and the very first verse made me ask why was there peace? What comes before this? So I went back to Words of Mormon and the whole first section is about how Mormon had included Nephi's small plates in his record. That was above and beyond what he had already abridged. It reminded me of youth conference and the Martin Harris pageant. Here Joseph asks and asks and asks and finally the Lord, out of frustration, I bet (not really), says "YES, go ahead, and have fun with the consequences." Martin takes them, breaks his oath, and loses the pages. Yet the Lord inspired Mormon (and first Nephi) to have a back up of this section. I am amazed at how the Lord lets us make our choices (and bad ones, too), yet in His wisdom, He always has a way of getting His work accomplished. That thought reminded me of a talk President Eyring gave a while ago in which he talked about his dad coming from the Mexican colonies and being fluent in Spanish. Pres. Eyring spoke of how his dad tried to teach him Spanish, but he (Pres. E) wasn't interested. As he looked back later in his life, he thought of how that decision had limited him so much in his ability to minister to the Saints of the church. I was so struck by his honesty and candor. Didn't General Authorities always make the right choices? Right then he wasn't on a pedestal, he was just like you and me. He was lazy (not that you are lazy!), and he lost blessings because of it. It made me think of my lesson and how I could have testified so much stronger if I had heeded the prompting and desire to learn more about repentance. Pres. Eyring still does an amazing job, and the Lord's work is being accomplished by him and many others, but he could have done even more. Just like I could have done more. Boy, this is a little depressing, eh?

I think what I want to find for myself is the place where I can say--I've done my best and I feel good about it. I am always feeling like I could have done more (mostly because I am lazy, but not always). I need to figure out how to do what I can and then leave it at that, give it over to the Lord, and have peace.

See, I told you that you were crazy to let me talk about my thoughts as I read the scriptures! I go off on so many tangents that you are probably wondering how I got from Nephi's small plates to feeling peace with my offering to the Lord. I just think and think and I go places. Obviously!

I promise that I'll get to MOsiah 1 tomorrow. Or maybe tonight. Who knows?

You are the best! Thanks for doing this with me, my dear friend!

Ok, so I started at the beginning of Mosiah and read chapter 1. (Yes, I forgot until just now and tomorrow I need to start earlier.) So, I got that King Benjamin is old and dying and is going to tell the people that their new king is Mosiah. He also told Mosiah, that God would not protect the people if they become wicked and transgress.

Well...

This isn't my real post from today, just an answer. I'm just going to start in Mosiah. I'll go back to read from the beginning to there after I finish. I have been skipping around, but I'm going to start reading chronologically so I can keep better track. Just to warn you, sometimes I read a couple of chapters, sometimes I don't even make it through one verse. And then I wax philosophical. Yikes--are you sure you are ready to read my thoughts on the scriptures for a whole 30 days (and maybe more)? I am a certifiable looney-tune sometimes! But I know you love me, so it is all good!

You are the best! I'm just getting kids up and off to school, and I forgot to email Jesse, so I suppose I better do that now before he gets online to check. lol This would probably be a good time for me to read scriptures, while kids are getting ready for school. (I'm trying to talk myself out of going back to bed today after I take them to school) ;) I can't decide if I should start at the beginning of the BOM or what to do...what are you going to do? If I'm reading about the same stuff you are, your amazing insight will be of great help. I'm glad I have good friends! <3

Here we go!

Ok, Cha-cha, the challenge has been issued. from August 17 to September 16, we will post EVERY SINGLE DAY. It doesn't need to be profound, just what we are thinking and reading in the scriptures.

Thanks for being willing. I know I'll do it if I have someone that will be checking up on me. I need your help!

And, no, you are not lame. or dumb. or stupid when it comes to the gospel. you'll be fine! and so will I. after a month we may have developed one of the most important habits we could ever have--meaningful daily scripture study!